28/02/2010-One more Post

Don’t really understand myself right now… being extraordinarily selfish and i can actually feel the sludge of it rising up around me, if i was a stranger looking in it would make me want to hurl bile all over myself…
I really don’t understand why i am feeling this way… i should be happy one of my good friends has his family members coming in and its going to be a blast for all involved but at the same time I can’t help but not want to be sidelined.. not to be neglected just because some other shiny new object is there in the fray…the old toys deserve to be played with too you know…but i can not let it affect my best friend or the joy and happiness she is going to feel for these coming days and i have always found that writing helps calm my nerves a great deal so that is exactly what i am going to be doing… going to have to come up with a new scheme of writing these posts if they are going to become frequent like i think they are….

To build up on all of this my girlfriend has now had it up to her neck with the drama surrounding me and my best friend and i feel that now it just irritates her that i can’t seem to understand that its enough it might have been cute in the past but it is not now and now it is just highly annoying to her and to see her like that really pains me, even more so because i know that i am the wrongdoer this time, the onus of making her feel like this is completely on me and no matter how cool she acts with it of course she feels a little bit jealous and underappreciated when i go on and on about my problems with my best friend, i am going to have to stop that, yup it has to, i will now begin dealing with things without burdening them on her like i did today, in the middle of her boards for gods sake… what the heck was  is wrong with me….

well moving on to today’s new act of idiocy from my side it involved me getting jealous because she didn’t call me when she woke up despite knowing i was already awake….
why exactly that hit me i dont know, but what i do know that it has got me to this place, a place i don’t like and i am going to try my damnest to get out of….

First though i have to get to work… studies beckon…
ooh and situps too…. :) :)

Feeling better so see you later….

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28/02/2010

ITs the middle of the effing night and i just woke up.. bad dream, thirst or just to use the bloody loo which one also i really cant figure out…
If it was a bad dream for the life of me I cant seem to remember it at all… thirst i have quenched, bowels have been lightened…
i suspect however the real reason for me not getting sleep is another one entirely….
last night at dinner something happened, a misunderstanding I must admit at the very offset, where in i was giving my best friend’s aching shoulders a massage and as the fates would have it who gain glee in such matters a misunderstanding between me and another friend occurred and i walked off in a huff… should have just sit there and sorted stuff out but that didn’t quite work out… but thankfully the misunderstanding was cleared off soon enough… and i hope that things become all well soon…

Trying to make a few edits to my blog and make it more soothing to the eyes, have tried out a new theme but to customise it to the way I like it i may have to learn HTML so that becomes another thing on my todo list…god the list just goes longer… been contemplating a move to wordpress too as lots of friends have been telling me it is pretty darn awesome plus it gets lots of readers too… so lets see… but for now i am more than happy with blogger….

well its past 4 in the morning anyways and sleep doesnt seem to be on the horizon but the sun certainly does, so lets move on to the to-do list for today, hmmmm i got to study some more PDC which i studied very little of yesterday.. boredom strikes me easily you see…. and situps yes situps must be done… mood was too shot yesterday so :(…

and lets see what other adventures sunday holds…

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27/02/2010

Tomorrow is a Sunday and as every Sunday does it too begets a new start.. a few new promises.. old ones reiterated again and life moves on….
well straight off the block the laziness monster seems to have hit me again and this week has been one hell of a ride… don't even remember most of the stuff that happened this week but it was good.. for growing for life and everything in between….
You know that is one of the things i have noticed consistently through out time i, that a few things might affect us terribly for a couple of hours or even days but then a week down the line or maybe 2 at max everything peters put nothing seems to matter and a growing realization hits me that the only way to keep these memories close to be able to truly grow from them is to write about them.. if not directly like this then indirectly in the form of a poem a story or anything else will do… just don’t let them fade away cause it is going to be one of the worst things you could be doing to yourself.. for example the fight that i had with my best friend a couple of days back or the confusion i am under right now it all matters it all helps us grow up and it all makes a difference to who we are as people and i know that lots of people would say that the unconscious mind sees and remembers all but i think if we just give our conscious mind an opportunity to refer back to a time it will work in tandem with the unconscious and make us greatly enhanced as human beings if nothing more…
that’s why one of my goals this week is to start blogging a lot more… expressing stuff as and when it happens… not holding back for nothing more than to have a reference point good or bad from which to grow….
often one of the reasons holding me back is the feeling that if the person i am going to talk about happens to read my blog then they might feel bad or hurt and now while i agree that my commentaries over here will have to be tempered what i also say is that this is my space my little eden in this chaotic world and its my life here…. so let me be.. imbibe it in the spirit i meant it and don’t let political correctness creep in here too because it may do more damage than good….
OK now moving on to other things, i measured my weight today and was glad to see the scales finally start to dip in the reverse direction it was 76.26 Kgs :D :D
That really made me glad but i wonder where the weight is going because i never really can feel my stomach go in but the weight still drops so my guess is that it will only work if i start working out so hence sit ups here i come again… i really hope that by the end of today before i am knocked out by the sleep monster i have started the regimen again….
Started studying PDC (Process Dynamics and control) today and really like the fact that because i was paying attention i was able to recall most of it and i hope it only gets better from here on forth….
really have to start studying for CAT 2010 though and with all the effort my roomies putting in its got me a lil scared,….
alright my fingers are getting a lil tired :P so see you all later or tomorrow if my promise holds…
Siaonara!!!

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20/02/2010

Good morning world!!

This post comes amid a lot of happiness, the source of which for the first time in my life i really cant explain but for some insane reason everything seems to just be working out in life….yes yes i know i might not have been fulfilling all the promises and goals i have promised on this blog many times over but the truth is that i am atleast making a beginning somewhere and that believe me feels good…. dragging my fast ass of to the library even when i know that no body is studying is a rewarding feeling in itself but actually opening your books and knowing what is written inside and being able to make almost complete sense of it… boy the elation one feels is something else entirely… :)

But not wanting to rest on past laurels today i hope to start BRain Power finally and properly and inculcate its program into my lifestyle lets see how that goes…also my sit ups program has to begin for the umpteenth time and this time i hope to follow it..

Gonna reclaim my bike today, it was with a friend who needed it for a coupla days had lent it to him… but with the new mess i am thinking of joining is going to have me eating so much that i am going to put on loads of weight if i dont exercise…. also getting the laziness off my fingers is another thing on my priority list right on top infact so that more posts fly off my fingers… but i can say this that slowly but surely my adddiction for this medium seems to be increasing with every passing day and the only thing i wish i had is a smart phone so that i could blog on the fly and share the various thoughts feelings photos etc i experience right htere when they happen on the fly but given my families current financial condition i dont think that is going to happen anytime soon so u guys are just going to have to content with this threadbare site and wait for my love for this medium to increase to such a degree that i undertake a total revamp of this site…

Saw a  bit of the hurt locker yesterday and i must say it is one of the finest war movies i have seen in a while, all our impressions that we get of the war in iraq and afghanistan always give us a very glossied of over ,seen-from-the-media’s-eyes view point into the conflict but this movie seems to want to express the true fears and conflicts which seem to plague the occupying forces over there far away from home, the fact that it is not only the occupied who are scared but even the occupiers are scared too, there are conflicts within the army too but somehow everything works and it is amazing how it does… my respect for the american soldiers fighting there has grown a bit just by watching the pain the ordinary fighter goes through, i must say though that i still don’t agree with the fact that they tortured prisoners(still do??) and the guantanamo bay outpost, but every country has blights on its record and the Americans are no less so lets give them a little lee-way this time.

Hmmm… nothing more to say right now… and i m getting late for class anyways, see you later

Adios Amigos!!

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16/02/2010

Its pretty late at night as i am typing this out but suddenly i have just lost my sleepiness so i though Eh!! lets just write one out cause i get lazy otherwise and everyone knows how long it can take me to snap out of that… :P

Today was a bloody tiring day.. got up at 7 late by my new standards and looking at the way this night is goin i don’t think tomorrow morning is going to be much better… then had college al day with back breaking engineering drawing till 5 and then BYJU for CAT till late.. phew it was bad.. and today toh in BYJU i got screwed don’t know if it was just tiredness which i am blaming for not doing well or just my inability .. for the sake of deflating my ego i am going to consider the latter.. i got only one question in Critical reasoning… damn that was bad and this CAT thing is going to prove far harder than i had imagined it to be…

and now as predictably happens sleep seems to have struck at a bad moment.. a post tomorrow i promise maybe even bright and early who know…

good night for now..

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12/02/2010

How the hell do they get this inordinate ability to screw with our hearts and minds till there is nothing left for us to call our own and still we give them more.. give them all we have got.. through the mistakes the blemishes the misery through it all it doesnt matte.. speak to them honestly and it get exaggerated… lie to them and they say its not fair… tell them everything off the top of your head and its too harsh.. tell them after pondering over it for a while they say they want the bloody undiluted truth…and despite this all we end up loving them more still.. they never seem to understand that we have fears too.. that they will have accept us for who we are fears and all…can’t keep fighting with them… cant even harbor the thought of leaving them because that would rip our very being in to two… that we are dependant on them not for the little things that one could do even with a little effort from our side but for the ones which expose a more sensitive persona of ours.. one that is scared and terrified like a baby who hides behind the hem of her mothers dress except that they are our safety net now.. the ones we come hope to when we need a hug our a sweet touch down our back… and then when they tell us that they think we dont care or are not concerned it hurts and they really dont realise how much it does… and we are not looking for an apology because they said so or even sympathy for our pain but what we do want what we do –dare i say it- need is to know how exactly we went wrong where exactly we screwed up so royally that we became victims of such statements in the first so that if nothing more we become better boyfriends/husbands/boytoys or what have u to these women… and that is kind of what sucks man… we just dont get recognised because we are just supposed to be the tough ones the ones with the rough exterior which everyone sees all the time but as an oversight and this i feel is due to public perception at large is that our sensitive side doesnt get seen in fights we will always be the bad guy who said this or did that or just didnt understand where –n i am not excusing the jerks who really act like idiots of whom i might be one- the genuine mistake might just have been that he didnt quite get it or it didnt hit him or he just couldnt perform to your expectations.. god ppl give it a rest give him a chance to make mistakes to repent to agonize over the hurt he caused but atleast have the decency to give him that muxh and the reason to feel all this and not wander around in the fields of despair like a blind man walking around a field of broken glass hurting himself at everyturn with every step causing more harm than he could possibly deserve and let him back into your hearts because i think that is just what needs to be done unless of course you want him out of your lives forever in which case i would say just kick the poor dog to the curb don’t let him suffer so….

well that was because of the ongoing slight differences with my girlfriend as i am sure any one who has stumbled across this little blog has probably inferred but i think i speak for a lot of guys with the above paragraph…. moving on to other spheres of my life… well exams as i had said earlier it self have been a complete and utter bitch with each one going worse than the first.. lets hope tomorrows subjects make a little more sense to me.. but ah well im sure they will…

also since it is best 2 out of 3 let me just say that i have already started work on the next one so that the work load doesn’t pile up for me in an uncomfortable way.. CAT prep will also start being done seriously from hence forth and now with my hunger for blogging back in full swing and me having finally decided to take over from the laziness monster you guys should be able to follow pretty closely my progress in my various goals which i put out…. lets hope i make some head way at least if not achieve them…

chiao for now… see u in an edit or maybe the next blog post…

:D

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11/02/2010

Dont really know how i have chanced upon this road i am on now.. hurtling down an abyss at breakneck speed clawing my way along the walls hoping to heaven and hell alike that i stop….

been sitting here in my room in front of my books for the better part of the day today trying to conquer what supposedly should be the easiest subject of our entire curriculm and i just cant… its not that it is difficult in the least.. actually it is the exact opposite with nothing much to study at all but let me just put it like this drinking a single sip of water is not difficult but with a python wrapped around your neck even that seems like your trying to glug down an ocean….and that is how i am feeling right now… totally uninspired because of no other reason than the fact that i know i can do better and that i have royally screwed up and if i have to hit bottom let it be my rock bottom the lowest i can allow my self to go and dig a hole right there and push myself even more because i think the only thing keeping me moving right now is going to be the simple face that i can and that there is no where else i can go.. no lower i can allow myself to dip and now with the eyes of my loved ones friends and family alike on me yet turned away in some sordidly ashamed fashion…. it will be my time to rise.. to shine once again and pummel it back into everyone who ever doubted that i had potential that lookie here notice this.. i am back and in a grand way at that!!

god that rant felt good…… further updates after my paper…

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09/02/2010

I have been facing a kind of trend recently… one which i am not terribly comfortable with at all.. i have begun starting posts and then never ending or publishing them and for the life of me i cant seem to figure out why that is so…. some times i will write a lot and never push the publish button…

u know conversations with girls still completely fascinate me… and i must say one of the thinks I am completely mystified about is how much and how to deliver criticism to them.. are we never to say things about some of the things they hold sacred which varies from girl to girl by the way…. or are we supposed to find ways to do it without hurting their ego’s…. i really don't know about these things…but i guess someday i will

this has been one of the most relaxed prep times for me for my sessionals…. surprisingly so because usually i am super tense before any of my exams actually all of them but this time i have taken a devil may care approach and am going to go with that.. well the reason is not glamorous as me getting over my fears.. not at all in fact of how i wish though…. but in fact it is just due to the fact that i know that this time my prep for sessionals is so bad that i have come to terms with it and have realized that this is truly rock bottom the lowest i will allow myself to sink no matter what the circumstances and i must use this as a wake up call to finally pull up my socks and get right to work… no excuses and i am proud to say at least that i am proud of one fact at least that today as the first step of many i need to take that i actually took part in the discussions in class and am beginning to realize that it is one of the only ways i am ever really going to pay attention in class and i really hope that i can keep this momentum going… well here’s to a fresh new start

To coincide with that and the new found order in my life i hope to finally star utilizing this blog for the very purpose i started it to log my progress in the various endeavors in my life to which i am about to add one in addition to the myriad i am already pursuing… but before i tell u what it is let me tell you why i wan to do what i am about to …. a few days ago in an extreme duress which i am not at liberty to say what it was or what brought it on i took an IQ test to fulfill my own insecurities and found out that it had plummeted to 118 from a highest of 156 (a drop of 25% for those who care) i had got measured  long ago when i was a little boy.. and while i am now terrified of taking them worried that it will show an even lower value i have resolved to working harder and salvaging the little that i have left by starting this book….

 

all i can say is that i really hope this works….
one of the other things i am toying with is giving the interweb an opportunity to actually analyze what i a m eating every day and give me advice on that because for the life of me try as i might i really don't know how many calories each thing i am eating is and as every Indian knows Indian curries are not something which can be easily described or nutritional value easily obtained.. this idea is still in the thought conceptualization stage and i don;t know if i will do it or even if i decide to go ahead i am not sure exactly when so please don;t hold your collective breath…

well that’s all i have for now maybe more will come befor this day gets over maybe not…

but for now Muchas Gracias!!!
see you tomorrow!!!

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